so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
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Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.