so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
How to wake up a Beagle
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *