So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
This one’s “Alex”.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.