So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

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Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.


4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”


ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.


I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s


I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:


Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?


“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots


If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”