@HonestToddler

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

You Might Also Like

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

@zoevsuniverse

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

@huntigula

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

@FatherWithTwins

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

@CafeinatedBacon

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@Reverend_Scott

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

@baronvonbike

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”