Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“She is not fine.”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”