So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
You Might Also Like
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Meow
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”