So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
You Might Also Like
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
2023 was just a warmup
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow