@cornlog

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

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@galiamango

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

@kibblesmith

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

@TrophyCatas

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

@Muggernaught

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@bdbdleeroybrown

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

@Try2StopME

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@Cornjerker78

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

@bigmacher

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.