Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold