So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
OKAY DAD
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross