“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
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I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there