So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Some people were born into their job.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
im all 3
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
If you want my opinion ask my wife
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*