So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
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Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]