“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
He took my last fry, your honor
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
good work, detective
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry