SO MUCH BLOOD!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
-It’s raining men.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
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ME: Can I have some of your fries?
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.