@_lesleyallan

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

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@TopherKearby

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

@UncleDuke1969

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

@LaniBeno

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

@FrogAvalanche

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

@donni

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

@mrjohndarby

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

@batkaren

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

@RidiculousSheri

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

@mollymcnearney

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.