So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Ken is short for chicken