So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
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If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.