so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
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My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I feel it
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.