“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
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One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
bought wrong eggs
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.