“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.