So that’s what we looked like?
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Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My dream job is getting paid to dream
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!