So the ex texted me
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
consequences, the bane of my existence
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six