so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”