So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel