So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.