@causticbob

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

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@BuckyIsotope

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

@2browneyedboys

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

@TheBoydP

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

@joeheenan

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

@rad_milk

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

@carlyken

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.