So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
You Might Also Like
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*