So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
MOM: Story time
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”