So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

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*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”


I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.


Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”


Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it


In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?


Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.


I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!


I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.


Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard


Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.