So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY