So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
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Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?