So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

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No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.


The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds


Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.


*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*


I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.


Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.


In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection


I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.


Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry