So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
You Might Also Like
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*