No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
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The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry