So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
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we all know this pain all too well
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Vodka burrito was a success
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.