So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
The French word for sex is croissant.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I never needed anything more in my life
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO