So true for me
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holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
United Steaks of America
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses