So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
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BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.