“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
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me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
they finally got him. they got macavity
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Important reminders
APOLOGISE NOW!!!