So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Duolingo getting serious.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.