So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
sounds kinky. i’m in.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.