@GuyThe_Guy

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

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@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

@ShockTartBionic

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

@pizzajaynow

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@TheAdly

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

@Smooheed

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

@NicCageMatch

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

@noneofyours99

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

@kieransofar

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

@writerPT

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.