So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
This tweet has been deleted
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”