So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!