“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron