You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!