@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

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@Brianhopecomedy

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

@TEXASVETERAN

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

@t0iletcat

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

@trevso_electric

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

@slyoung5

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

@bjaynash

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

@TheeSkinBoss

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

@the1652s

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

@perlhack

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look