So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I’m not wrong
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.