@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

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@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

@osigat

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

@UNDEADTRESOR

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

@shanethevein

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

@3sunzzz

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

@SCBamaMan

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

@ElKnuckelhombre

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!