“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
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I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?