So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though