“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I support this random dude and all his protests
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.