“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.