“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

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*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*


*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”


“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms


Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.


[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs


Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.


Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.


They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.


“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens