So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.