“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent