So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
You Might Also Like
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.