So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
You Might Also Like
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?