Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

huge if true: the moon

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!