So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.