So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
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No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.