So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
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Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
“i miss shittin on people”
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.