So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
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ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
japanese corn
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
my favorite genre of twitter
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..