So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
can’t bark with your mouth full
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader