So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Friends that check up on you >
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.